A Bouquet of Whoopsy-Daisies
A surface level look at the importance of Regret and Shame | Read time: 7 min
Regret and shame sit amongst the most uncomfortable colours on our feeling palettes. That doesn't mean that they don't deserve their place, or are without their own individual merits. By no means should we shy away from, or ignore these shades. Quite the contrary. These feelings deserve to be acknowledged, embraced, and utilized as new metrics and outlines from which we conduct ourselves in future.
i don't trust people who claim they have no regrets in their lives. Despite their well intentioned embracement of the optimistic, though cringeworthy, outlook that quote: "everything that has happened in their life has led them up to (whichever moment they're making the statement) and that they wouldn't have it any other way." Thats dog-shit. While i'm thrilled people are in favour of their current now, it strikes me as inauthentic to pretend that you couldn't enjoy who you are and where you at in your life without avoiding needless suffering. There are some occasions i did not need to experience to reinforce lessons i had long since learned. i like to think that if i had had the honour of sitting down with Nelson Mandela (a huge inspiration in my life), that he would say something to the effect of: "i'm glad we achieved what we did. i really wish we could've ended apartheid by having an honest chat over a couple of brewskis, and i could have skipped the whole twenty-seven years in prison thing." i for one wish that was the case. That life could be so simple, and that no one had to endure any pains from lessons we as a global society (shamefully) still haven’t grasped, and worse, continue today. Further, i hope that those who’ve perpetuated the lessons in the past regret it, felt shame, and have harnessed those emotions so they don’t repeat themselves.
If there is no regret in your past then you haven't lived a full life. You haven’t come to terms with, or learned to appreciate and value, the "bad" feelings we all experience. Hopefully, like me, the majority of regrets you carry are gentle, and are in regards to moments you missed out on. For example, i never had the chance to see Prince live. It still burns me today to think about. i also regret trusting my friend to buy us tickets to Tom Wait's Barcelona show on his European Glitter and Doom tour. Some nights these mistakes keep me awake, twisting me in mental torture racks. Right alongside awkward memories of my bonehead attempts at flirting when i was a teenager. Rarely, as an adult, do i hold regret for things that i have done, though those do exist.
When i was twenty years old i went to India to attend my old roommate Ranbir's wedding. India stands as one of my absolute favourite countries to visit. There are many wonderful stories to share regarding the enchanting week and a half surrounding Ranbir's wedding in Rajkot, Gujarat, though today, i will be magnifying only a quick instance i often reflect on.
i had generously been invited into Ranbir's family's home for the course of the wedding. There i met his sister Deepika and her new husband Aditya. As charming as Aditya was, he carried an air of entitlement with him that hung like a bad cologne. It was an unusual marriage for that area in that Deepika had married up outside of her class. Even though Deepika and Ranbir came from a very comfortable, middle class family, the difference between their social standing, and finances, and Aditya’s families were obvious.
Ranbir's parents, Salman and Shilpa were wonderful. Welcoming and generous become insufficient words when attempting to describe their hospitality, good nature and warmth. Despite the language barrier, they did their best to engage and include me. At the wedding, i met Aditya's family, who immediately gravitated to me. They were very friendly, spoke better English than everyone else, and were quick to strike up a friendship. Time was spent in the quiet moments between ceremonies with them teaching me Gujrati pleasantries. i was eager to learn and thrilled with the results the niceties were having with the rest of the guests.
It wasn't until the third day of festivities that things went dark. As a Western foreigner i was, grotesquely, a coveted point of interest to everyone at the wedding. My attention and friendship became a token of status and pride. i like to think it was because of my alluring charm, and looks. Though to my dismay, and wild discomfort, the repulsive truth is that for most, it had more to do with the pigment of my skin.
Aditya's father, Amitabah was teaching me more colloquialisms when Salman sauntered over to join us. Without hesitation i utilized my well rehearsed greetings to welcome my friend's father, which was received with smiles all around. Then, in a sudden and uncomfortable fervour, Amitabah had me repeat a new phrase to Salman.
As the words fumbled from my mouth i could sense something was wrong. Amitabah was relentless, having me repeat myself until i landed the correct pronunciation of each syllable. Something changed in Salman's face as i got through the sentence. Though his smile hadn't dropped, in an instant it felt as if he was wearing his expression like a mask. The twinkle in his eyes had collapsed. Around us Amitabah's rich friends and family howled with laughter as Salman nodded along with the joke. To this day, i don't know exactly i had been coached to say. Unintentional or not, i know that i had been a pawn in humiliating the stature of poor, sweet man by his rich brother in law. Worst of all, on his only son's wedding day. i can still see the hurt in his eyes.
And it haunts me.
Even though the event was so long ago, and that i had no intention of doing so, the shame of betraying someone so kind eats at me. After the moment dissolved and the gravity of the situation dawned on me, i made sure to try and make amends with Salman. Both to apologize and give gratitude. To his credit, without a drop of English he was able to assure me that he knew i was used, and that we were ok. That helped clear my conscience, but not my guilt. For the rest of the wedding i made active moves to spend my time by Salman's side as opposed Amitabah and his lavish party. A subtle stance on where my loyalties, and preference for company lay. While it was noticed, it still never felt sufficient in terms of amends.
When i reflect back to my time in India, i still feel shame in having been in party to such a cruel act. Ashamed that i let myself be duped, as well as for the hurtful things i’d been coached to say. Let me assure you, i'm not writing this to try to garnish pity for myself, i know there are worse things done, and worse still i need to atone for. While i've come to terms with the moment, i still carry the difficult memory with purpose. To use it as a guide in order to steer me from repetition in future. To remind myself to take pause, ask questions when i am unsure about situations, to not let myself get swept away by the influence of others, and choose how i conduct myself with care. To embrace regret and shame, and find a balance where i’m not tortured by the memories but rather am shaped by them enough to avoid hurting others in future. As the old adage goes: “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” We all want to do our best, it's important we take our time while doing so.
We are all students, we are all teachers. Life will serve us some hard lessons, and it's incumbent that we learn from them. There is so much wisdom in old aphorisms and proverbs. An important one to remember is: The people we love the most are the ones we hurt the most. Be mindful of how you treat those you cherise. A great quote that never fails to remind me of the neverending path of self improvement and development is by the late Ram Dass: “If you think you are enlightened, go and spend a week with your family.” Despite pure and noble intentions, to err is human. We are all a works in progress. We will make mistakes, we will hurt those we love. It’s important to feel the bad feelings associated with those infractions, and do our best to make amends, and grow from there. While simultaneously giving the same grace to those that have hurt us. Reflect on how brutal shame and regret feel for ourselves, and strive to hold kind, empathic spaces for those apologizing to us. While i've moved on and forgiven myself for contributing to Salman's humiliation, i still keep the memory close. i choose to never forget the moment in hopes that i'm more cautious and don’t repeat the offense to anyone else. i choose to embrace the ugly feelings and parts of myself in an attempt to embrace those aspects in others, and hope that they in turn forgive those parts within me. Only together can we find harmony with one another.
Author's Note:
1) to protect identities i have changed the names of friends and family with Bollywood stars
2)For all those i have hurt unintentionally, at any point in my life, i hope these words find their way to you and you accept this as a sincere apology. For those that i offended intentionally, no regrets losers! ;)
Thanks for reading!
Wazoo!
-Mr. Write