Scorched sulphur split the air. Smoke rose from the struck match and tickled at Clarissa's nose. In her palm a tealight's wick flushed as it caught flame, joining the rest of the dancing candles littering the living room. Wisps of condensation twisted above the stovetop in the apartment's small kitchenette as her festive tea readied. The corners of Clarissa's lips lifted in anticipation, a vast improvement from expressions worn on birthdays past.
Too close to Christmas. Too close to New Year’s Eve. It had taken decades for Clarissa to crawl from beneath the shade of the holidays and embrace the shadows. Growing to relish the solitude, and look forward to her own rituals rather than relying on recognition and validation from others. Liberated from measuring her worth in accordance to the efforts friends made to be available to 'celebrate' her, or put her before their family's festivities. Extinguishing irrelevant expectations, the childish disappointment of not getting "as many gifts" as others had over the year when she was younger, of 'fairness' in regards to the attention and attendance peers had for their celebrations. The discovery that the Winter Solstice often landed on her birthday, and her subsequent private ceremonies celebrating it, had become a greater gift than she could have imagined. A new tradition, where Clarissa received more than she had from the 'best' of her past birthday parties.
Blessed. It felt a little cringe-worthy to use the word, but that's how she felt. To be born on the marker between the darkest days, and the days moving towards the light. In many ways the planet's march around the Sun matched her own around the years. For the longest time Clarissa had felt cursed by her birthdate. As a child her perspective followed the day's linear path towards encompassing darkness, until the final break. Dispare in her early twenties. The abandonment, and unworthiness she felt inevitably built to a collapse. Unable then to reconcile how she could show up for everyone else's special days, but for her, people were unavailable, out of town. It had hurt. She had shut down.
Then came a chance encounter with a group of young women she'd befriended while travelling in Guatemala. They'd met while sharing a hostel dormitory, and bonded on the beach, splashing in the lake. The girls opened her up to esoteric traditions, spiritual whispers, the wisdom of the stars, the awe beyond the veil. Afternoons and evenings were spent making her charts, and doing readings. Clarissa learned about planetary movements, the Solstices, their historical significance, and pagan beliefs. The discovery that her date of birth sat in conjunction with the Winter Solstice was a welcomed surprise. Thrilled was the wrong word to describe her change in perspective. Honoured was closer. The misfortune of other peoples familial obligations around her birthdate became one of her favourite parts, an easy excuse to exclude the celebration for herself. In time, she held gratitude for the dismay that had plagued her in the past, knowing now how much it had served her internal growth.
Over the years Clarissa kept her night secret. Declining propositions for other events, suggestions to combine her birthday with other parties, or to include others in her own. Allowing the occasional tuned in friend or two to join her, but never more. It felt better to keep her day for herself, allocating the entire night to be enjoyed in full. A deep, inquisitive, cerebral celebration. Taking stock in both the year and years prior. Looking forward to the year and years to come. A night of gratitude, contemplation, and adjustment.
Years ago she'd be embarrassed to participate in something so new-agey. Time and maturity shed the care. She moved back to her stove, squeezed sliced lemon, spooned thick golden honey, and lowered the temperature as she stirred. A few more minutes and concoction would be ready. Cushions lay across her carpet, and a folded blanket sat at hand. In an ornate tea saucer sat various sticks of incense, sandalwood, and sage. With intention and purpose she placed cherished stones around the rug. Each individual bijou had a moment held. Obsidian, Onyx, Black Tourmaline, felt in her palm with pause. Clarissa loved the way the stones caught the light like stars in the night sky. The stage set, Clarissa returned to her tea and shifted the pot from its flame, leaving it to cool on an adjacent element.
Excitement within roared like a bonfire, and Clarissa's smile grew to new heights. It was a strange, alluring thrill, to look forward to something that had already begun. A happy contentment too seldom experienced. Gleeful anticipation for the next minutes of a moment you're already within. A feeling she did her best to hold throughout the year. Using the memories of her Solstice birth nights as a measuring mirror.
Clarissa kneeled, and breathed in the silence. Letting each inhale whisk her thoughts. Cards in hand she shuffled as she held the space in mind, readying them for a reading in a few hours, when the moment struck. With a charcuterie board of lush snacks placed within reach, the air perfumed, the room ready, Clarissa poured from the saucepan to her favourite teapot, then slipped an adorable yarn winter cozy over to it to keep the temperature.
With the clock rounding its final hour she lay in the centre of the rug, and allowed herself time to feel it all. The room. The year. The quiet. Her life. The journals could wait. The reflection, the intention setting, the inevitable abundance of light, they'd all come in time. For now she sat in the night. She sat with herself, and it was bliss. Her hand went to her phone to begin a prepared playlist. The first shimmers of music scattered about the space, twinkling guitar notes rang over Billy's profession to the day. Clarissa sat upright and poured her first cup of tea, letting the steam wash over her face. The longest night of the year would be too short.
Thanks for reading!
-Mr. Write
PS: Be sure to check out Exaggerated Shadow’s new release for And Don't You Forget that Capricorn on all your favourite streaming platforms!