Unaffected by the shrieks from their coach's insistent whistle the girl's excitable squeals tore through the night. It was cold, and Magema was pacing back and forth along the sideline, away from the other parents. Snuggled within her headphones Sade's sombre croons serenaded her while she let her thermos of scalding mint tea cool. As always, Able's radio show was exquisite in scoring the scenes in her life, leaving Magema to wonder whether it was incidental, coincidence, or some degree of wizardry on her husband's part. Charlie's eye caught Magema's from across the field and she waved. A big goofy grin filled with missing teeth erupted across her daughter's face before she tore off after the ball. The smile blanketed Magema' heart and she stamped her feet, trying to shift some of the warmth down to her frozen toes.
As inconvenient as the soccer practice was, Magema was glad to be there. She knew how important little things like this were for Charlie, especially now. It felt like Able and her were doing a balancing act in keeping things together. All things considered, they were doing well. She had a tremendous amount of gratitude to have him as a teammate, in her corner, in her life. Even if he annoyed her sometimes. But despite the help, and assurance, she was still, beyond exhausted.
While the adoption was obviously planned, the expediency in which it had happened was a surprise. Magema worried that they hadn't prepared Charlie enough for all the changes in their family- especially her new sister. While conceptually Charlie was excited, the toll of the division of attention from her parents was inevitable. Reflecting back, Magema couldn't help but wonder if they should have made her more a part of the process. But what would that have looked like? Able and Magema had discussed it ad nauseam, still the worry plagued the mind of the mother. How do you take a child to an orphanage in a way which isn't traumatic, and doesn't instil a fear that she herself could be abandoned? At the same time make sure it was understood that they were not "shopping" for a new brother or sister? That orphanages aren't human zoos, or rescue centres for new friends. Magema and Able agreed they would ignore the gender, pigment, or abilities of the children in their decision, rather, they’d focus on feel. On connection. Something intangible. How could they explain that to a three year old? To avoid her treating finding a family member like buyiing a puppy?
It had been something that always endeared Able to her, his conviction that should, or when they decided to have a child themselves that he wanted to adopt as well. That if he was willing to raise one child, he must raise two. One of his own, and one in need. Easier in principle than practice.
Obviously there would be complications, they couldn't just wave a magick wand to an instantaneous harmonious family. It would be a huge adjustment for little Charlie. In retrospect, it may have been wiser to have looked for a newborn at the same time as Charlie was born to make things more seamless, less awkward. Magema and Able had been open with their daughter to expect a brother or sister in the future, and Charlie had always been thrilled with the prospect. Magema took solace in that.
They were conscious of the adjustments for both children, but naive to what they would be taking on for the family. Both their daughters, Charlie and Emmanuella had a gauntlet of psychological hurdles to summit. In Charlie’s case not only was she sharing her home, she was contending with an unusual added focus accommodating her new hearing impaired sister, whom she was struggling to communicate with herself. On top of that, Emmanuella was technically older by a few months, a radical shift for Charlie's young identity. Beyond the tragedy in her life that brought her to the orphanage, and the hurdles of her physical limitations, Emmanuella had a whole host of traumas to come to terms with.
Impulse, that's what they had been trying to lead with, and from the moment Magema had followed Able into that room and found that beautiful little girl by herself, both of them felt the connection. Their stroll around the grounds only furthered cemented it. Magema was loath to admit that she had been terrified after they left the orphanage that day, but grateful that the choice was clear.
And what did blood mean? In family?
She looked back at the pack of parents, and felt a pang of guilt for stepping away from them. Magema had done her pleasantries, and excused herself away, saying she had a work call. Uphf, more guilt descended with the thought. The adoption had been planned, yes, the pregnancy, well, that was a surprise. Not unwelcomed, exciting really, but another hurdle. To step away from her practice again felt almost criminal. Charlie's pony tail bounced and swayed as she scrimmaged, stabbing without mercy at Magema's heart. How was she going to nurture her sweet little Charlie, make sure she felt loved, and special. How was she going to raise Emmanuella? What about Able, and her themselves as a couple? Their relationship? What about, the thought she had been avoiding all along, what about herself? Where did Magema as a single entity fit in all this?
Everything was moving so fast, getting so complicated, webbing into tighter and tighter knots. She wished for a breath, she wished she could slow down. Because of her education, because of her practice, everyone in Magema's life looked to her as if she had all the answers. As if she was flawless. As if she was some sort of superhero with special powers that could solve any and all human emotions or dramas. That as a therapist she would automatically be the perfect mother. Lost was an understatement. Just as lost as the rest of them, her patients, her friends, and yet...
She knew deep down that this was all feeding her. That despite the difficulties, this was the journey she wanted. Momentarily, did she want sweatpants, cookie dough ice cream, and Able to pamper her, and solely her, like he used to in the beginning of their relationship, before the dog, before the kids? Yes. Did she even wish she wasn't entangled with him so she could go see a film, get a drink, god forbid go to the theatre, alone and enjoy herself? Yes. Yes, that would be wonderful.
Magema blinked, the fantasies of leisure, and undominated time all to herself flickered, it was all so lush, so easy. But as her imagination took steam she felt the pangs for him, for their family. For the quiet evenings, the moments in between the rest of life. Brushing her hair while he was in the other room reading. Conversations in car rides. For her job, no matter how wrenching and painful it could be.
Her fingers danced across her stomach. What life was coming to them in a few months? She projected forward to what the holidays might look like decades in the future. She knew life was turbulent. That the longer, harder paths paid in full, their balance remedied by the journey itself. She knew that the love she felt for that little deaf girl meant something, that to fill the role as her mother was, and would continue to be, an honour. She knew that as long as she was staying present, and paying attention, that her relationship with Charlie would only blossom with the introduction of Emmanuella. She knew how lucky she was for Able, and deep down, though it was hard to admit, she knew they were lucky for her too.
As the little monsters continued to run after the ball Magema wiped tears from the corners from the corners of her eyes. As she tapped the damp away from her fingertips, she tried to decipher whether they were from pent up emotion or the cold of the evening.
Her car was so warm and inviting, and she knew across the parking lot, within its solitude, she could tackle some of the mountains of inevitable paperwork she needed to handle. Thoughts of her patients, recommendations needed to other professionals, twisted and tore at her heart. How could she justify the time away from them again? They weren't clients. They were people in need. People that trusted, and relied on her for healing. Taking the break for her first pregnancy with Charlie had been challenging psychologically, and now, a short few years later, she didn't know if had it in her to vanish from their lives again.
Of course, from a distance, her family was the easy choice, but for an empath like her, it wasn't effortless. The journey was steep, and the cost was high. The car beckoned. A whistle blew and the playing paused, Charlie's face scanned the sidelines for her mother again. Another wave came after the moment of recognition, and then she was off to her friends like a bolt. "She'll never remember this," Magema's sad thought runged like a bell. A deep breath fanned the flame within, and her eyes ignited. "Doubtful i will either, but something, something will resonate. This matters, because she matters, she matters to me, and i matter, because i matter to me. These cold toes, and late nights are an even trade, an investment, for my daughter to remember i was always there. That i always cared."
Able's voice pierced her thoughts "that was another heart wrenching track from Taylor Swift's 2020 masterpiece folklore. Before that we had the haunting croons of Sade, and coming up we have some of the finest production put to tape, by none other than the mighty Q-Tip. Before we get there though, how about something to put a little smile on your face, this is the undeniable- Mariah"
It was impossible for her not to smile, she loved his show, loved hearing Able reach across the ether. To her, and the world at large. Loved knowing his motivation to abstractly try to get into people's heads, and environments in an attempt to make their days just a little bit better. Just a dash. Philosophically it felt like a decent compromise for the menial compensation. For such a goofy bastard, Able at times had the most profound notions. In some ways she hated it. In most ways she couldn't wait to see what was next, what tomorrow might hold in store for them.
Memory fogged her vision of the field. Her hand was in his, they were in a café and it was Able's turn to be the voice of reason, and reassurance. "You know how i know i'm going to be a great father?" There hadn't been a drop of doubt in his blues. "Because i accept that i'm going to make mistakes. i know i'll do my best, my intentions will be pure. i'll remember to apologize fast, and forgive myself, to lead with love. i'll be transparent, take my time to explain the why's to my children, and be honest. Know there's always another day. Even when i screw up, which i will, i have faith that the foundation of good i'll lay will carry me like a lifeboat. With our wisdom in tandem we will be a head of the curve."
That damn twinkle in his oceans. It wasn't his confidence that swooned Magema, it was knowing how much pain he carried, and his ability to rise through it with a smile and joke. The glimmer was a peak of the light within. Even in memory, it moved her, and Magema felt their love spread through her veins. It wasn't him that gave her the most comfort. It was the sense of them, combined. The us. It was that his words reflected what she felt in her heart of hearts, and the comfort of knowing she wasn't alone. That they were on the same page.
She had so much to do, study ALS, review her files, but she could sip her tea. She could be here, as much for Charlie as for herself. There was a lifetime, and everything would be ok, come hell or high water. She was not alone. Her and Able were a team, and together they could not fail. She would make this life beautiful. Both her's and the one growing in her belly.
thanks for reading!
-Mr. Write