Dwarfed under starlight, I sit all but lost, infinite Heavens, astounding as thine laugh All's enormity, devastating, as her heart crossed, inadequate, I wander my own dark forest path, awe, a three lettered word, perhaps, as good as any, to illustrate feelings conjured as a solstice's moon, and in awe's darkness, my mistakes made plenty, inconceivable you exist, here, and lost, so soon. inconceivable, me, unworthy, to your arms lain to gaze upon thee, as the minutes and hours danced, oh faintest stars let me wish upon your light again, stitch these fingers through fingers of delicate hands, a lifetime of lifetimes within your gaze be but far too quick, need no other, save endless moments, of mine lip as your lip.
The rubber of Maureen's eraser hesitated from the side of her notebook as her attention drifted to a spinning ceiling fan above. Words spun round and round, but still the sonnet was not right. Desperate to drum inspiration to her stanzas, Maureen resumed her rhythmic tapping. She spoke through her lovesick Lucas as he reached for his Myo with words she yearned to hear herself. The same tried and true formula she applied to all her writing. Hiding herself as she had through the many plays before, using the stage, and actors to fill the fantasies her hurt heart longed for. It wasn't that she needed someone- least of all a man. On the contrary her life was closer to fabulous than fine. Her methods had led to unimagined external successes, yet something inside Maureen still ached. A colour missing, not only from her canvas, but her very palette.
How much longer would she have to wait? Before she found a love that held her insecurities safe through the night? More time than Lucas could conceive she supposed. Led by the fan above, her thoughts sped and spun. A tidal wave of pity washed and wrapped around Maureen's mind, plunging her to the depths of her subconscious aches.
Shaking herself off, Maureen returned to the page, and began tracing her pencil around the poem. A quick strike crossed out the second use of inconceivable, the repetition uncomfortable. She scowled. One hand reached for her thesaurus, the other for a warm ceramic mug.
Here she was again, drowning herself in caffeine, burning another Thursday night as she grinded away in a café trying to ignore the hordes of couples as they laughed and flirted through their dates. Recurrent harpings of friends' constant insistences that Maureen, for once, simply try to put herself out into the dating world echoed around the room. She could do no more than throw her heart upon the stage. And to her credit, for years, that was enough. There was honesty in her poetry, and a promise in her prose. Her pencil was a light, her plays a torch, signalling deep across the dark ocean for an unknown love to return home. Yet to date, that call had gone unanswered.
Maureen longed for a love that could only end in tragedy. Inevitable, that one would leave the shores of life for the towers of the heavens before the other, vacating an impossible role to fill. She wanted to be consumed. And she'd wait. She'd work. She'd hope. A lioness to her heart.
She turned back to the page, and reflected upon the fathoms of naivety in love. Fathoms she floundered in. From the reefs, the words, of course, would not come. Chatter and laughter danced around her, pulling at her focus. Her thoughts clouding over, Maureen made another unsuccessful attempt to shake them away, to focus. It was no use. She grabbed her phone, and submitted to distraction. With a flick of her finger she began a searching scroll through old numbers, and contacts, seeking potential suitors perhaps once overlooked. There was a short list of lost crushes, a few maybe one days, but no one she felt might fill her with the love and hope she wrote of. With what she'd been told time and time again her works had done for fans.
Too hard on past dates? Too hard on herself? Maureen knew perfection was as much a fiction as the pages filling her notebook. But didn't she deserve that? Isn't that what she demanded of herself? Did she not give, and give, and give? Body, mind, and soul? To her loved ones? To the masses?
She switched her phone off in a frustrated haste, the click cut through the noisy room. Maureen was left staring into the black mirror of the device's glass. In its reflection she saw herself. Maureen knew that she was objectively beautiful, but she longed to be told that. To be seen. Not simply of her physical appearance by some random voice marinated in beer and cigarettes trying to get into her pants, but by the earnest trembling of her person, stammering as he stared into her eyes. Professing a vulnerable, and guarded truth.
Loath to admit it, Maureen knew that she had been hiding. Tucked away in a self constructed labyrinth of riddles waiting for love to find her, pretending that that was what it took. It was an illusion she conjured for herself. That she was the very manifestation of all the romance she’d painted across pages and stages, a beacon of love. Oh, it was a part of her, of that she had no doubt, but Maureen was every bit aware she was as flawed as everyone else. To pretend that the love of her life was out there trying to translate her every word in order to find her while she wasn't making an equal effort was a tall order. And truth be told, a very unhealthy one at that. No, she hadn't done her fair share of the work seeking love, only expecting it to flock to her. Sheltered in the noise of the café she could admit that.
She knew her friend's tropes, how could she find love if she couldn't love herself? How could she ask another to fill the void that was hers to close? And she thought it was shit. The work was done, she was proud of herself, she had put in enough effort. Where was the effort of others?
Turning to the back of her notebook, she tore a new page and began scribbling what she wanted. Maureen sipped, another sweet sip, the bitterness of the coffee buried deep beneath a warm milky blanket of foam. Her finger swept her hair behind her ear. Scratching out unrealistic hopes, she began thinking of what she might do to find him.
Up went her phone again. Maureen wasted no time considering apps. He wouldn't be on them anyways, and that was not the love story she was after. Instead she searched local events pages for film nights, interesting lectures, and clubs to join. For the first time in months she opened her junk mailbox, and glanced at upcoming alumni events. Caught in a flurry of action, Maureen jotted down rules of how she was going to act in her endeavour. Bold. She wouldn't let insecurities or doubts ride in the way from at least approaching what she wanted. She wouldn’t let herself sabotage something unexpected, something special.
Maureen closed her calendar, and scrolled through her contacts again, this time deleting any old prospects. With the past put to rest she began sending messages to friends without hesitation. Ready to start dating. Know anyone worthy?
Seconds later the first response arrived, "not deserving of you, but I'll keep my eyes peeled ;)"
She smiled and reached for her pen, the tides evoked, things were in motion. Let the fates come as they may, Maureen was ready.
Thanks For Reading! Be sure to check out the corresponding song by Exaggerated Shadows! Released today! Find the release on your favourite streaming service, youtube, or on the music page!
Wazoo!
-Mr. Write