Nauseating fluorescent light rained down upon Tobias. The waves reflected off the page like knives, etching the biting text into his retinas. The unfathomable words belted him. Stunned, Tobias could only sit and blink, failing to comprehend even whether he'd read the document, or needed to. The weight of the toxicology report was unbearable in his hand, the page tore from his fingertips and fluttered to the floor.
From behind a piece of cheap, dividing plastic resting at the edge of her desk the receptionist gave a quick, uninterested glance, before she returned to her work. Tobias took comfort in how unbothered the woman was, how quick she averted her eyes. The last time he felt this pitiful had been a lifetime ago. As a child, the first and only time he'd shed tears in front of his peers. His emotional collapse in this sterile, sickening place, felt banal, not welcomed so much as it was common and unworthy of note.
Menacing words cut again, leaping upwards from the floor as he leaned over and considered retrieving the paper. Malnourishment, dehydration, alarming blood pressure, concerning cortisol levels, and an amount of amphetamines that would hammer even the heaviest of abusers. Another strike from the blunt type sent Tobias wincing further into the plastic chair. No way to escape the confrontation, the truth was here.
His son's heart had finally let go. Was it the heady chemical cocktail that pushed him over the edge? Of course one could argue that, an accidental overdose was the easier thing to accept. Rather than years of perpetual neglect, mental abuse, and stress. An obsession with "success," to the detriment of everything else. Adrian's body, twice the size now than it had been when he'd started university. The cadaver did nothing but corroborate, giving the dead space to speak the report true. His son had transformed from a hopeful, quiet boy to a mammoth of a man his father struggled to recognize. Haggard, sunken eyes, drooping jowls, with a posture that had buckled and broken under weight of his chest and gut.
By many metrics Adrian had lived a good life. Prestigious schooling, honours, an accelerated career with a hefty salary. No family of his own, but young, eligible, in an envious position for one so early in their thirties. Tobias couldn't make heads or tails of the situation. His boy had good values, no criminal record, a life of chaste and control. How could this medication have dismantled all that work? Pills he'd sworn by, praised for "curing" him, cited for his success.
The unforgiving harsh light of the waiting room reminded Tobias of Adrien's home office, where he'd found him in the early morning hours after not being able to make contact for days. His wife at her wits end after they'd received mounting concerned messages from their son's business partners. Furious clients had been lashing out, fortunes were at stake, and communication had dropped without warning. With each day passed his employer's veils of worry lifted to accusations, questioning Adrian's honour.
Tobias had been quick to go to the city for a wellness check after the first call. There had been no answer to his knock. He assured his wife that their boy was off with friends, or perhaps, finally, a woman. Neither could bring themselves to voice that they hadn't heard Adrian speak the name of anyone outside of classmates and colleagues since he'd graduated from grade school. After another day passed stacked with unanswered calls and texts, Tobias returned. Again to no response. Despite his reluctance, he dared himself down through the depths of the parking garage below the building. A pale panic had soaked him as he walked towards Adrian's burgundy, unmoved BMW.
The car sat like a spectre, freezing Tobias' thoughts. He called the building manager for aid before even thinking of contacting the authorities. Better to avoid creating an even bigger mess, or risk some sort of fine from a false alarm. For the first time in his life Tobias begged, pleading with the manager to let him into the apartment to check on his son's well being. Already gone for the day, they'd come to an agreement to meet the following morning.
Relentless panic kept sleep at bay. His wife could smell his fear through his sweat, and the two sat up together through the night. Hardly a word was spoken. They sipped tea they couldn't taste, sat dazed in the glow of their television watching the news flicker as they pretended to do something productive.
Death and rotting food. The smell of Adrian's apartment had both Tobias and the superintendent gagging the moment the lock cracked open. Rancid tears poured down Tobais's cheeks as he plunged in. From the door the super stood paralyzed, drowning as the odour polluted the halls behind him. Flys feasted on half finished take out, the boxes towering over the countertops. Maggots inched between the discard containers like citizens pulsating through city streets. The blazing July had not been kind to the apartment. The air con off, windows left shut. Despite the early hour Tobias could feel sweat building across his brow, and drip down his back.
There was no response to the desperate father's calls as he paced through the apartment. With his shirt masking his nose and mouth he scrambled from room to room. The bed was unmade and unoccupied, the bathroom neglected and filthy. More plastic bags and food containers sat in the living room.
The office door sat ajar. It took an eternity before Tobias's shaking hand mustered the courage to push it open. Longer for his shattered psyche to comprehend the scene. His boy sat contorted backwards in his reclining office chair, eyes rolled back with nothing but soured whites showing. Adrian's workstation hummed, the cursor still blinking mid-sentence in the document he'd been constructing. Maggots had found their way to the body and chewed at exposed sores. The full reek didn't register before Tobias keeled over and was sick across the carpet.
There was no sign of struggle, no hint of a fight. His body had given out from a bludgeoning cardiac arrest. Empty pill bottles and plastic energy drinks stacked around him. The morning light cut through the blinds and caught them like candles at vigil, sending orange and green patterns across the desk, walls, highlighting rolled bills, scissors, plastic straw clippings, and the remnants of powder beside the computer mouse. Tobias ran his hand through his boy's greasy hair and wept.
Staring at the page he recognized the name of the amphetamines found in his system. Medication Tobias and his wife had signed off on when Adrian said he'd been struggling to focus in university. They'd been thrilled their son was taking his studying so seriously. He remembered the pride they felt as parents for facilitating the best for their son, helping him accelerate. Now Tobias couldn't help but question their actions. The pills were legal, they weren't illicit, many were on them. They made Adrian better, or so they said. Much like all hard workers had been, a modern caffeine for those opposed to the bitter bite of coffee. What's the difference between the compounds, the drugs? Was that not being prudish and judgemental to similar chemicals? Under the fluorescent light the memories of those old conversations and arguments fell away like straw men, as his son had from him.
The pages creased and bent as his hands squeezed into painful fists. Everything was a mess. Money, laws, debt could be paid, but nothing could replace a life, or the years spent trapped in that office, imprisoned by tunnel vision. Systemically siphoning money for better, and better, apartments merely to an improved cell. Higher view's he never had the time to look from. Faster cars he not only never drove, but had no destinations to drive to. Save for his dutiful parents. Tobias could list the degrees, the promotions, the accolades, but he couldn't remember a single time his boy had shared a deeper passion, a story of friends, or the name of someone he cared for. Box seats, high end restaurants, he wondered now if his son had ever appreciated the privileges or simply had a taste for the prestige.
It was a catastrophe he'd never seen coming. His son hadn't failed at work, working had failed him. Had they let down Adrian too? Their sweet son? Pushed him too hard, prioritized test scores, and professor's praise rather than the babbling excitement of a boy.
He shook his head and watched the nurse type away behind her desk. Silent, he begged her, please, come back. Look again, look a third time with me, tell me there's been a mistake, that my son is alive and well. Tell me that my values hadn't taken my son's life years before the pills did. His shoulders shuddered, and another sob escaped. The right pocket of his trousers vibrated, his waiting wife, desperate for an update. Tobias struggled to his feet, collected his coat, and left the office to face the unfaceable. He carried his broken heart to tend to hers. From the eye of the storm of blizzarding razor like reflections and damning doubt, he found gratitude in his destination. For better or for worse, he still had one irreplaceable treasure in his life- one that kept his connection to Adrian alive, and he strode to her. Tobias grit his teeth, and swore come hell or high water, he wouldn't let her slip like he had their son.
Thanks for reading!
-Mr. Write