"A wise man told me, life is like a table full of glasses of water and your job is to keep 'em all full so everyone's happy, but at the same time, you gotta keep your pitcher full of water so you can fill everybody else up."
-Murs, Can It Be
My journey with self-care has not always been the most generous. The trooper and martyr are two inescapable archetypes that have draped themselves around me. It's difficult not to place myself at the bottom of my list of concerns. The last to eat, the worst accommodations, sacrificing sleep, peace of mind, anything, for the sake of friends, or the cause1. Which, truth be told, i like. Given the choice, i would choose those roles again, and again. It's how i'm wired. Accepting that this path is unsustainable2 has been difficult. Through years of extensive reasoning i've compiled a list of actions for my own care- all of which culminate to the same philosophical and spiritual focal point. Perspective in the now.
My biggest saviour, in terms of self-care, has been leaning into my more metaphysical inquiries and existential contemplations. Pulling apart ideas, learning to define things for myself, such as the difference between selfish (which i find abhorrent), and self love. The latter, i've learned, is an integral part in helping others. Foremost, treating my whole self with holistic care, (rest, nurture, and adoration, to my body, mind, heart and soul) is paramount to my abilities to serve others. i have an extreme aversion to receiving when the giving party isn't perceptually benefiting to the same degree that i am. For the sake of those that might feel the same way i do, i must be able to assure everyone that i am more than fulfilled, and have plenty of energy and care to share.
Through meditative practices i've learned to separate myself from my sense of self. An important tool is to perceive Mr. Write as a separate person from myself, one that i cherish. With objective reasoning i can navigate how i would protect, and serve that person, and attempt to give myself the same care and devotion i try to provide my loved ones.
Beyond my sense of self, this bird's eye view technique provides even more aid when i apply it to difficult experiences, both in the micro and macro. With distance i can see an issue, and find a solution by leveraging the frustrations into moments of salvation and peace. Achieved with the same tools of prospective and gratitude.
An easy example is in the gym, underneath weight with my body screaming. Rather than indulging thoughts of: "this is too difficult or uncomfortable," i focus on truths like "i am so grateful to be physically able to do this,” or "i'm thankful that i am taking care of my physical self for my future self," or "What a lucky experience to indulge in 'physical' pain and have its consequences be net positive.” With the mental pivots comes peace. i must remind myself that my "Self" wants me to feel better. Not only today, but tomorrow, and the many tomorrows following that. That i care that i age gracefully, without pain, and as able as possible. And doing that will in turn help others.
Sometimes taking care of myself requires a tough love approach. One that helps keep my hand from indulging in comfort foods, drags my ass to a workout when i don't have the energy, and sends me to bed at reasonable hours. i have to force myself to spend money on health amenities that i find too expensive, such as vitamins, counselling, and other care services. i try to avoid guilt, find an inspiring speech, and lean in. No matter how reluctant i am, or how much i complain, i always feel better for it when the task is done.
Shifting perspective is often easier said than done. As they say: practice makes perfect (or the neurological equivalent: neurons that fire together, wire together). That's where a daily meditation practice feeds me. Gives me time to sit in calm, and practice ushering my mind into stillness, shift my emotional, and mental state, as well as open myself up to spiritual epiphanies. It is through meditation that i learned to lean into physical and emotional pain as something curious and special, and that acknowledging and greeting the uncomfortable feelings and sensations with curiosity and gratitude was the quickest avenue to release them.
To some they might be trivial, but these practices help with the macro crises. Sorrow, depression, heartbreak, they come to battle more than i'd like. Thoughts like: "i am so grateful i experienced such a profound loving connection to know such pain and grief. i am fortunate. i am so thankful and proud of myself to trust and open my heart, even though things did not work out the way i hoped." They may make me cringe at first, but with time they begin to ring true.
One of the best parts of my journey of self-care is the fun of exploring different modalities to experience ease. Challenging myself to absorb as much love, and care that this plane has to offer- and it is abundant. These soul filling meditative states can be achieved through floatation tanks, saunas, plant medicines, as well as much more common events and activities. Different speeds of that peaceful river can be found in various flow states. Creation is an amazing way to tap in, as well as transform energy. i find it when i write, play music, paint, cook, even in conversation, or household chores. The adventure is wondrous and never ending.
It doesn't always have to be hard work. Sometimes the best self-care is shutting the door, and intentionally shutting down. Placebo is a powerful phenomenon. We know it's not always the medication but the choice to take the medication that cures us. The choice to heal. Sometimes my self-care might be simply watching a goofy sitcom or putting on a film, and feeling the shift of emotions while empathizing with the characters and the stories i watch. Sometimes it might be calling one of my good friends when i'm feeling frustrated or bored. Sometimes my self-care might come at the expense of other self-care- and it should. If i need to leave my running shoes on the shelf for a day and put my feet up, that is ok. So long as i am choosing to do so with self love, the intention to restore, and allow myself to immerse fully in the moment.
A healthy body makes a healthy mind, and that is something i am also committed to nourishing with a steady diet of profound and beautiful art, music, literature, as well as philosophical and spiritual lectures. i make sure i give myself time to digest everything properly, by sitting in the now, meditating, and spending time in quiet contemplation. All of these culminate into my most important self-care practice, which is reflecting on gratitude as often as i can throughout the day. Seeking transcendent moments in the otherwise mundane parts of life- which gets easier and easier the more i work on the rest of my practices.
The combination of these actions help remind me that the reality i want is exactly where i am. That all the rest, the energy, the love i need, is right here, right now. The Dao is not complete without the Ying and the Yang. That i can't simply philosophize myself into feeling good without action. Holistic Care. The more work i put into caring for myself the more my "self-care cup" opens. The wider that is, the more the exquisite little details life can pour in. With a full cup i can change my whole experience into one of abundant love. The care of others, the care of self, the care of comfort, the care of struggle. It is a game of balance, one i've learned to love playing.
It's said that we need to be the change that we want to see. Our greatest gift to others is to lead by example. For those of us who struggle to receive or take time for ourselves, we must practise as we preach. We can only show others the way by learning it first.
Thanks for reading!
Take care of yourself, you dirty dog!
-Mr. Write
Alright this is sounding a bit hyperbolic, and self-aggrandizing. But hell, i like the ring to it, so i’ll leave it in- but don’t let me cast myself as some kind of saint. i’m not. My list of flaws is enormous. While i’m doing my best to rectify that, there is still a tremendous amount of work to be done. The mere fact i left those sentences in only further proves the point. They say acceptance is the first step…
At least not the way i've been following it.